Here And Now
by AbraFilo
Summary: Danielle thinks about the sad life she has lead without her daughter Alex for the past sixteen years and has thoughts of taking her revenge on Ben.


Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of its characters, the events that take place are purely fictional and are not to be confused with the actual Lost timeline.

It's late at night, I know that it is well after midnight and mostly everyone else should be asleep and I also know I should feel relieved that the long and difficult day is over, but for good reason i'm not. **He's **near me. After his arguement with Jack I became his official guard, someone needs to watch him and I'd be glad to cut him down to size any day of the week. He's the one and only reason that I havn't spent more than two days with my daughter since her birth, one, the day she was born and today. I think that's a little too generous actually, she has spent the day with the boy named Karl. When we stopped and set up camp for the night I made sure to drag Ben, as he's calling himself now, far from the rest of the group so he couldn't cause anymore trouble. Somehow everytime he opens his lieing mouth something bad seems to happen and tape would be handy, though I'd perfer sewing his mouth shut permanetly _but we can't all have what we want_. I glance over at him then turn my head to stare as I realize that he's actually sleeping. Ben is curled up tightly at the foot of a tall, wide tree with his knees and bound hands drawn to his chest and injured head bowed in. He's hard to read, he never acts like the same person. I've only met him three times in my life and each time he has changed personality, body language, sociality and seems to be an all together different person. I'd never expect the new one to sleep like a small scared animal curled up under a tree or even sleep at all for that matter. The same way i'd never expect 'Henry Gale' to speak in a confident, calm tone of voice. But it's the one from sixteen years ago I remember and think about most. There are things in this world that you try to remember though they inevitably fade into nothing like a forgotten phone number. Then there are the moments that would haunt you to your dying breath, even when you had forgotten everything else in your life that one nightmarish memory would remain, I will always remember how I felt that day.

_It's raining and dark to the point that I can't even tell if the sun or moon should be guiding me because of the rain. It has been two days give or take a few hours since I set up the new distress signal in the radio tower, I'll never know what that sequence of numbers meant nor do I really care. Alex is crying and crying I'm sure that she's scared of the thunder crackling all around us, I'm crying too. I've only remained here stranded and lost for two weeks and already I have lost everything that was ever important to me: Robert, the boat, the research, my family, my friends and with all that gone I may as well say that my life is gone too. All I have now is Alex. She is the one star in the sky for me now and I will not lose her as well. _

That was the last thing I remember thinking before I felt a sting in my arm, thinking it was another misquito bite I swiped at my arm and cried out realizing I had actually drove something metallic deeper into my arm. I reached over and pulled it out and brought it up into my vision with a lot of effort, more than should have been necessary. I saw with now blurred vision that it was a dart, my head fell and the last thing I remembered seeing was a spikey haircut, emerald eyes and muddy feet, then hearing Alex continue to cry. Before I even know what I'm doing I grab the rope and wind it around my hand then let Ben drag along behind me as I bring him just beyond the tree line. I know he won't call for help and I don't really care if he does, if all goes well the deed will take less than two minutes and it's something that can't be taken back, the way it should be for people like him. my senses seem heightened by this idea and I even notice how the crossbow thuds on my back as I walk in almost normal strides through the thin treeline, he's suprisingly light. Deciding that I'm at a good distance I drop the rope and turn to see Ben merely sitting up in a ragdoll like position and looking away from me. I pull the crossbow off my shoulder and over my head by the strap to bring it down into my steady waiting hands. Ben still hasn't moved. This angers me, I want a more frightened reaction out of this little monster and to achieve that desired reaction I move in and jab him with the end of the crossbow very lightly, he winces slightly as a steady trickle of blood emerges from his neck, just a flesch wound. Dissapointed I let the crossbow fall into my left arm, the arm on the side he isn't, and circle around to find that his vibrant eyes are watching mine, it is nothing less than chilling.

Realizing that i'm never going to get a satisfying reaction out of him I bring the crossbow up to point directly at his chest, I thought it would be easy and in reality it is easy, too easy, just apply pressure to the trigger. The problem is that I know I can't take it back and I can still remember a time when I was a young girl and thought death was cruel punishment no matter what crime was committed. Now just doesn't seem to be the time or place even if I am itching to do it, I hesitantly relax my grip on the sturdy handle of the crossbow and can now feel that his eyes are still focused on mine and have remained searching them this whole time, I don't need to check to know.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks flatly.

"Because you deserve it" I answer without confidence. He has always deserved this and is long overdue.

"Who are you to judge?" He questions, his voice cuts like razor wire, I look at his face to see that he's smiling, it isn't a pleasent smile, almost sadistic I would say. I remember the games he can play on people and step forward putting the arrow tip center to his chest as a way of emphasising my point and he won't even blink.

"Don't you say a word" I threaten. His smile falls a good extent, I really sucked the fun out of it for him by denying him speech, now how is he going to screw with my mind? I hear a branch snap behind me and turn instantly, crossbow following my gaze at about a half second delay. I have spent sixteen years of my life trapped here, on this hellish island that I would have admittedly tried harder to escape from if it weren't for the hope of finding my daughter again. In that time I have learned to track animals and people, to set traps, to watch my back, to listen for the voices but mostly to forget myself. My eyes and bow find Karl who has shot his arms up in the air to show he is unarmed.

"It's me, don't shoot" the boy whispers.

Relieved, I drop the gun to my side again and then quickly step forward so I'm out of Ben's reach.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Seeing what your doing" Karl replies.

"Forgot the popcorn in your rush I see" Ben asks sarcastically. I drive the crossbow back in the general direction of his head but it fails to hit anything. Turning I see he had leaned over to the side to avoid it and has a neatural look to him now, it's getting increasingly harder to surprise him.

"Look..." Karl starts, I just turn my head so I can watch Ben out of the corner of my eyes while Karl talks "What **Are** you doing?" he asks looking worried.

"Putting an end to the misery he has caused in this world"

"No" Karl answers looking hurt and shaking his head "You can't do this"

"Give me good reason"

"He's Alex's dad" Karl answers in a slightly wavering voice like he isn't even sure what he's doing.

"He never was her father, he stole Alex from me" I say feeling tears threaten to come up even though I fight them back. It's painful to think of the years I lost with Alex, my first and only child.

"What he did wasn't good but that doesn't change the fact that for sixteen years now she has known him as her dad, and it doesn't change the fact that when she has nightmares she wakes up and wants him to be there for her".

I look back at Ben to see how he's taking this, he's looking at Karl with a very strange expression that's somewhere between surprised and curious.

"How close are you sleeping to her?" he asks.

"Okay" Karl cuts in "He is the biggest pain in the ass on this entire planet but still, I'm here because I saw you drag him off and Alex was having a nightmare so she's going to be awake soon too and when she wakes up she will be looking for me".

"What's she having a nightmare about" Ben asks in a cold voice, he has never liked Karl since he found out they were more than just friends, I assume, I heard enough of the stories to take an educated guess anyway.

"About you getting yourself killed" Karl answers.

"I'm afraid that it's the other way around" Ben comments sadly.

I whirl around and pull him up by the collar of his shirt in hopes that I have scared him enough to get a straight answer.

"What the hell do you mean!" I demand.

"You didn't want to know when I was telling you before so now your going to have to wait until I feel like telling you again" He smiles with every word, he is really pissing me off and I want to hit him just to wipe that smug look off his face. Then I hear the all too familiar sounds of someone else sneaking around, I put my desire to take a close range shot at Ben's head on hold and release my grip on his shirt to see who else has showed up. Karl already knew it was Alex and has headed over to meet her before she reaches us two. Ben just watches with no hints or traces of emotion on his bruised and bloodied face as she comes closer. I wonder if he has always acted this way with her, if he has ever shown her affection and taught her morality and manners, or if she had to learn from elsewhere. I can't picture him as a good father at all and feel guilty because my daughter would have had a wonderful and loving father if I hadn't insisted on the trip to Tahiti, that much is my fault.

"What's going on?" my daughter asks looking at Ben.

"We were just having a very engaging conversation that we didn't want Jack poking his nose in" Ben answers with a crooked smile. I don't know if she can tell he's lieing but I think with him it would be more useful to know when he's telling the truth, he hardly ever does that. She looks over everyone and seems unsure of what's going on.

"Go to sleep, Alex" Ben says "chances are that were going to wander around lost all day tomorrow".

"I could say the same for you, Ben" she snaps before turning around and walking back to the camp with Karl.

Ben walks up to my side and watches as Alex leaves back through the thin treeline to the camp, or so I assumed until I followed his gaze to Karl. Apparently he's more interested in what Karl's doing and the theory is confirmed when he tenses as Karl places a hand on her shoulder. His eyes are focused like a hawk about to swoop in and tear into it's unsuspecting prey, I feel sorry for Karl.

"So you don't like him?" I ask.

"It isn't him, it's his choices that I dislike" he answers, eyes still following Karl. Finally his attention snaps to me "May we go back and sleep now or is there something else you feel the need to punch or jab out of me?".

"You arn't going to go on about the murdering freighter people again are you?" I ask reasonably, ignoring his sarcasm this is an amazing feat for me and I should feel proud.

"It's a little late for that, i'll have to re-evaluate everything now".

"Right" I answer tugging on the rope to get him started. I kind of hoped he'd be caught off guard and fall too but I have no such luck and have to be content with dragging him along behind me. We get back to our own little area and as I estimate that he's near the base of the tree he sleeps under I yank down on the rope and this time he does fall. I look to make sure he is actually in the right place and am happy to see that he is and is just rearranging himself so he's not sitting on his knees but crosslegged. I keep hold of the rope for reasons I don't even know the answer to and follow his gaze again. I'ts just as I suspected, he's still watching Alex and to a greater extent Karl. Some people would call it protective, some would call it love and a smaller minority would call it obsession with just a hint of insanity. I don't want to give it a name, all I ever wanted was to spend the rest of my life with my daughter until I grow old and pass away peacefully in my sleep. The sad truth I found out today is that I'm not the only one that wants to spend a lifetime with Alex, the unfortunate thing here is that the odd one out is Ben and I know, along with everyone else, that he's very willing to fight fire with fire and be burned if he knows that he can win and destroy everyone who stood in his way.

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**Authors Note: This one went absolutely no where but it took me an overall three hours to put together and check over for spelling and grammer so I couldn't bring myself to trash it. Well it is my 8th fanfiction and 8 is a personal unlucky number for me so in a way it does kind of work out.**

**ps. This fic takes place on the night of the episode "Through The looking Glass"**


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